A Brief History of the Hoy Keg
The Hoy Keg is the most prestigious soccer tournament in the world, even though the competition had traditionally been open only to teams in the Washington Area Women's Soccer League (WAWSL). The event began in 1943 with teams competing in a single-elimination format. A brief history of the tournament follows.
To show support for our men in uniform overseas, four teams staged the first women's one-day soccer tournament at the Lincoln Memorial fields on the National Mall. This event was called the "Women's One-Day Soccer Tournament On the Mall in Support of our Men Overseas", or Wod-Stom-Smo for short.
Since many of the women had never before played soccer, a few rules modifications were made:
- The halves were 15 minutes long, with a 20-minute tea break at halftime.
- At the end of the match, instead of exchanging jerseys, the ladies swapped recipes.
- Players were allowed to protect their chests with their hands. They were also allowed to use their hands to protect their heads, legs, and feet. Simply put, they were allowed to use their hands at all times.
- Each goal was protected by three goalkeepers, and was marked by two cones standing five feet across. No goals above the knee counted.
- There was no offsides. The term "cherry picking" was popularized by the first tournament MVP, Gina Cherry, who stood near a goal and waited for the ball to come to her.
Little known fact: Many of the rules of the first Wod-Stom-Smo (such as goals marked by cones, no offsides/no cherry picking, and no goals above the knee) were later adopted by legions of pickup soccer players.
Tournament Champion: The Andrews Air Force Base Sisters and Rosie's Rosslyn Riverters played in the first Wod-Stom-Smo final. After a close-fought match, the teams tied, 0-0. The title went to the Riverters in a bake-off overtime.
The 1958 Wod-Stom-Smo field expanded to six local teams:
- Fear the Bomb (who changed their name during the tournament to "Drop 'Da Bomb"),
- Seoul Sisters,
- Ayn Rand's Objectivists,
- Sock Hops,
- Freedom FC (which incidentally is a copyright owned by WAWSL), and
- Elvis' Pelvis.
The competition almost came to an abrupt end when sixteen men arrived on the Mall to play company softball. While the women had valid field permits, the men pleaded that their game was "more important". After 30 minutes of negotiation, a compromise was reached: The ladies kicked the men's asses, and the men were allowed to slink away to a hospital.
Little known fact: The "Fear the Bomb" team employed an innovative "sweeper-keeper" position, because their regular season keeper couldn't make the match, and the tournament director wouldn't let the team pick up a keeper from another team. Upset with this decision, the team changed their name to "Drop 'Da Bomb", a linguistic construction later adopted by hip-hop artists.
Tournament Champion: In the tournament final, the Objectivists asked the Sock Hops players to step aside and acknowledge "the concept of man as a heroic being, with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life, with productive achievement as his noblest activity, and reason as his only absolute." Having lured the Sock Hops into a deep slumber, the Objectivists won handily, 12-0. In succeeding years, Wod-Stom-Smo participants often put cotton in their ears when playing the Objectivists.
On August 23, 1963, Wod-Stom-Smo participants celebrated the twentieth anniversary of the tournament at the Lincoln Memorial fields. Over 250,000 fans came to watch the tournament final, featuring a stirring Nobel-winning halftime speech by Dr. Martin Luther King. Parking along the Mall was quite difficult that day.
Little known fact: For many years, the tournament used the traditional bake-off to decide a winner of a tied game after regulation. By the mid-sixties, this tiebreaker technique became horribly outdated. So in 1963 tournament organizers created the first "Shootout", where players dribbled the ball one-on-one against the goalkeeper from 35 yards away. Several prominent and financially unsuccessful American professional men's soccer leagues later adopted this tiebreaker. After a thorough review, the ladies decided that the "Shootout" was even lamer than the previous tiebreaker.
Tournament Champion: The Wod-Stom-Smo competition was primarily for WAWSL teams, but in 1963 the tournament went national for the first - and last - time. The final was contested by a team from Alabama, "Segregation Forever", and a team from inner-city Detroit, "Malcolm XX". (Get it? It's a wonderful witty play on the XX chromosome.) After the Alabama team won the game, a riot ensued, causing the fiery burning of ten bras. The next year, the tournament returned to a local competition among only WAWSL teams.
Popular sentiment had turned against our men in uniform, who were fighting a hopeless war thousands of miles away in the jungles of VietNam. Thus, Wod-Stom-Smo organizers changed the tournament name to the "Women's One-Day Soccer Tournament On the Mall in Support of Many Orgasms". Thankfully, organizers will able to retain the beloved Wod-Stom-Smo acronym.
The tournament adopted the full FIFA Laws of the Game with the passage of Title IX. In order to play with the same rules as the men, a few modifications were made:
- If the ball was passed back to the goalie by a teammate, the keeper could hold the ball for the rest of the game while openly taunting the other team.
- Whining and complaining to the referee was punishable by a yellow card, if you were the "away team". If you were the "home team", a free kick was awarded in your favor.
- All teams had to provide at least seven (7) hooligans.
Little known fact: Disco sucks.
Tournament Champion: During the Seventies, the Wod-Stom-Smo competition was routinely won by the ERA Ballbusters, who had epic battles in the late 1970's with a brash young team fresh out of college, the Fighting Pine Cones.
The 1986 tournament match between the Fighting Pine Cones and the Capital Tees was legendary. The Capital Tees led FPC at halftime, 2-0. Thinking quickly, the FPC captain sneaked an orange cooler labeled "Gatorade" onto the Tees sideline. As you might have surmised, the cooler was filled with beer, not Gatorade. The Capital Tees graciously accepted the gift of the Trojan Cooler, got liquored up, and stumbled and bumbled throughout the second half, losing 10-2. In fact, the Tees finished the game with only seven players, since most of the team was "in the bushes".
After everyone sobered up, and had a good laugh, a grand idea was born. The tournament officials would buy a keg of beer each year, to be given to the competition winner. Eventually the tournament name was changed from the Wod-Stom-Smo to the F.A. Keg.
Little known fact: The tournament experienced a brief sponsorship in the early 80s by a fledgling cable channel, MTV. VJs Martha Quinn and Mark Goodman covered the competition live, bumping an estimated 50 viewings of the Peter Gabriel "Sledghehammer" video over a period of four consecutive hours. However, WAWSL was forced to drop the sponsor after a few years because of too many complaints that Mark's hair was bigger than everyone else's.
Tournament Champion: During the eighties, the Fighting Pine Cones won every tournament, much to the chagrin of their opponents. But since FPC always shared beer after the games, everyone was happy enough.
The 1999 F.A. Keg tournament was controversial. One team of mostly younger players was kicked out of the competition for unsporting behavior, and were sent to their rooms without supper. Another WAWSL team tried to field an ineligible player, using a library card instead of a player pass.
Most embarrassing was the continuing incompetence of coach Eric Hoy, now managing his seventh different F.A. Keg team. Having amassed a perfect 0-7 record in previous competitions, Eric vowed to use "whatever means necessary" to win a game, or at least get a date with one of his players. Indeed, Eric was so desperate for a date with Carm Alvaro of the Mob Squad team that he turned down a job coaching the U.S. Women's National Team.
Little Known Fact: By now, you've wasted far too much time at work reading this fake history. It isn't even that funny. Since we can't think of anything witty about the fake Tournament Champion, so we're not bothering to submit a joke in that category.
The 2000 F.A. Keg tournament was even more controversial than the 1999 edition. The Supreme Court even weighed in, deciding along party lines on behalf of one team whose "winning" goal went through the side of the net. And everyone was upset when the celebrity spokesperson, Jenna Bush, presented a mostly-empty keg to the tournament winners.
Mr. Hoy revives the franchise and F.A. Keg is played on the Mall once again. Just about every damned game ends in a tie (the spirit of sisterhood!). DCFC wins the keg.
WAWSL mistakenly invites other teams to this tournament and, sure enough, the only non-WAWSL team wins. This year is stricken from the history books, and the tournament returns to being WAWSL-only teams.
F.A. Keg tries life as a surburbanite, and play is held in Maryland. Minivans proliferate. Combination Rebels/Blizzards team wins (Blizzels? Rezzards?).
Back to the Mall, and the crowd gets larger. The crowd on the field, that is. The spectators tend to be fat Midwestern tourists who can't figure out where the quarterback is on the field. Or, we get the odd loser who screams out "Girls shouldn't play soccer!" Yeah, well, Americans shouldn't invade other countries without cause, but it happens.
I digress--An upper and lower division is formed this year, and play switches from single elimination to a round-robin format. Mudslingers win the upper division (fix!), Sirens wins the lower. Everything gets fuzzy after a few drinks.
Tournament officially becomes the Hoy Keg (tourney and drinking chant--HOY HOY HOY HOY). Now everyone and their mother has entered, and the tourney has three divisions (easy/hard/holy crap they're good). DC Ramblers win the highest division, CapTease win the middle division (fix!) and Fusion wins the bottom division.
We take pity on the boys, and institute a day of coed soccer. Boys respond by largely ignoring us. Regardless, Shooters & Chasers win the upper division and A-Team wins the lower division. As it happens, WAWSL inadvertently proves correct the axiom that you don't need boys to have fun.
Shooters repeat their victory, maintaining a clean sheet for each game and daring anyone to come between them & their keg. Booters battle to hoist the first keg in their short history. Don't drink it all at once! Unless you're really good at keg stands, of course. And even then, you should have a spotter. Didn't you learn anything in college?
DC Ramblers win the upper division and Booters repeat their victory in lower division. It's official -- Booters like beer. Eric Hoy premiers his 15th child at this tournament. My god, but he is fertile. I wouldn't even recommend shaking his hand unless you're ready to give up booze and cigarettes for nine months. The Hoy Family team readies its entry form for 2021.
If it's so hot outside the tourists are dropping like flies.
WAWSL lost access to the mall fields due to fox holes, giant face portraits, and Glenn Beck so after a multi year hiatus the cup has come back as a 7 v 7 tournament at Long Bridge Park in Arlington. Rumor has it that Eric Hoy and his army of gingies may make an appearance at this year's event....stay tuned.
(c) All fake and real history on this page copyright EHoy/Saffoe Productions Ltd. and Tinadav Inc.